Hey y'all! Happy Apocalypse Day!
As one of one of the survivors from the last eclipse, I feel like I need to say something. I was on the front lines and fought the good fight for science and evolution...or my science teacher made us put on welder's masks and look at the eclipse. I keep forgetting if we really saw dragons. We probably did, because it was the 70's and all sorts of crazy shit happened before the internet.
Today the sun will disappear behind the moon for a minutes and we will descend into darkness... or a very non-committal, partial-darkness.
I noticed that the grocery stores are sold out of aluminum foil. I didn't buy any because I am too busy judging those who are making foil hats and suits. Thank you for reminding me why I wished that I had perished on the last eclipse day. Today I will go without a struggle. I will not witness the great fight between the sun and the moon. If the sun and the moon really did go to war, who would win?
I'll tell you who... all of humanity. That giant ball of magma would heat up that ball of cheese. Queso would rain down from the skies and there would be peace on earth. People do not fight when they have queso in their mouths.
Imagine everyone united in the streets, enjoying an apocalyptic appetizer. People would set aside their differences and lactose intolerances and make nachos together. Think about it...a world where we are all equal. A world where everyone has a voice that is heard. "You want jalapeños on that? Sure thing!" "You want equal rights? Of course! Here, hold my tortilla chips while I erase class, gender, race and sexual lines." The eclipse is truly powerful and the Sun God is good.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but even the threat of eminent doom has not gotten us any closer to a solution. It is going to take more than a celestial event to bring about real change. Have you watched What the Health on Netflix? I did and now I can't eat cheese. They called it coagulated puss. The motherfuckers ruined cheese AND the apocalypse.
The end of the world is not the eclipse...it is documentaries that are trying to be the boss of me. Actually, it's not the documentaries either, but the thoughts and opinions of others. I have to constantly remind myself that I have a brain that can generate my own thoughts and opinions. Sometimes they really suck, but they are mine and I am free to change them at any time.
Some people think that the world is going to end today. It actually ended last Tuesday, when I watched that damn documentary. They took my cheese from me and who wants to live in this cheese-less world? AND WHAT ABOUT THE CREAM IN MY COFFEE?!?!? Am I doomed to sit in the darkness of the eclipse and drink black coffee? I suspect that I will survive this eclipse much like I survived the last one, and it would be really nice if we could get closer to that cheesy nirvana that I dream about. The next eclipse in North America is 2024.
I'll bring the chips.